Hello again, Readers!
Rita Skeeter is back. In my absence, where I’ve been gathering research for my new book Vampire Weekend: “A Night in the Malfoy Manor,” I’ve discovered some truly shocking things. While I keep the juiciest bits for my book, (on sale for 19 galleons at your local Mage’s Pages,) I’ll let you in on a little Potter Secret. Albus Potter, the least-known and most mundane of all the Potters, has been hiding a filthy little secret, and no, readers, it’s not his supposed lycanthropy.
Readers, for those of you who have donated to my “Cure the Fur” fund, get ready to demand a refund from Mr. Albus Potter. While the misguided homosexual initially feigned rage and fear at being outed as a victim of a tragic werewolf attack, Rita Skeeter is here to out him as something else: A fake. It seems the Potter have bred yet another deformity in their family tree—Albus isn’t suffering from a little werewolfitis, Readers. No, no. Albus has an untreated hormonal disorder that causes her to sprout copious amounts of body hair during her monthly cycle. Yes, Readers, Albus Potter is the second Potter daughter, with a bit of an unfortunate condition.
Instead of using the family fund to treat Potter’s complex and life-threatening condition, the stingy Harry Potter , retired hero who’s taken up money laundering in his spare time, refuses to shell out, instead, choosing to disguise Albus (previously named Alma,) as a man. When the disorder worsened and the body hair thickened, sneaky Potter planted the story that his “son” was the victim of a spree of werewolf attacks ripping through the Potter/Weasley family tree. Convenient, as Albus is known for extreme bouts of moodiness, in which he locks himself away from the world and sulks—but it’s not exactly the “change” the Potters are claiming.
So, Readers, the moral of the story is: Sue the Potters. They’re lying, cheating, greedy remnants of a washed-up hero. And Alma is just the tip of the iceberg, Readers. Stay tuned for more nausea-inducing tales of the Potters’ greed.
WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO LEAVE US ALONE. Albus IS NOT a girl. He’s a boy. And no I do not do money laundering ffs. I’m a full-time Auror who’s just doing his bloody job at help out the Wizarding World.
AND I AM NOT A WASHED-UP HERO